Getting Started

Getting Started

"You got engaged! Congratulations, now tell me absolutely everything about your wedding plans this second or I will bug you until you do."  I have to admit that I get as caught up as anyone else when people get engaged and I want to hear all about their plans. As a newly engaged couple, learn to exercise your right to not say anything in this early stage. You have no idea what will happen between now and then, what kind of wedding you will have, what your budget is-- so just be vague! Thank them for their interest and try to distract them with your shiny new bling!

I once worked with a bride who's fiance had planned a surprise engagement party for the night he proposed. The bride, high on emotions and four glasses of champagne, asked all her girlfriends who were there to be in her bridal party.  Two weeks later, in the harsh light of wedding spreadsheets and budgets, she realized to keep that promise and still include two friends who had not been there that night, she would have 11 bridesmaids-- she had wanted 3 for what she was hoping would be a very small wedding.  Oops.

Another bride said that everything for her wedding would be purple; a nice lavender and silver combo. Her future mother-in-law set to work collecting all things purple, including a dress. Two months later (the engagement was only about 6 months long), the groom mentioned to his mom that he was so glad he had talked the bride out of purple and into bright yellows and pinks.

How to handle managing your schedule during this period? My advice:

Try not to spend more than five hours a week over the first few weeks doing actual "planning."  Have dinner with your parents, meet his parents (if you haven't), show off the ring, have a conversation about budget and who will pay for what, find out about important dates you need to worry about (e.g., your sister will be giving birth in June, but you want her to be your bridesmaid, so maybe try to do it before May or a few months AFTER she has the baby). Kick around ideas about traditions that you want to continue or start, about bridal party members, but do not commit to anything.

How many times do we hear friends say, "oh, we're going to have a small, intimate wedding" that soon becomes black tie, seated dinner for 200+ people? Or, the opposite, "I want to get married at the Walters Art Gallery", and then they learn it is (and this is true) $10,000 to rent for the wedding, plus their caterer starts at $80/pp... hmm, suddenly the backyard of your future in-laws starts to have its appeal, huh? 

And then there is the bridal party. I think most people, even guys, have a running list that they constantly tweak throughout their lives, keeping track of who would stand up with them someday.  The problem is, that list is fluid. Also, you haven't checked in with your fiance about his yet-- perhaps he wants 9 men and you were hoping for your two sisters to be MOHs and no bridesmaids.  Or, he wants to ask 9 men, but doesn't understand that it means they have to fork over some cash for things like a tux and a bachelor party... You guys are about to get married, you need to talk this stuff out-- get on the same page.

So that's it.  If you have more than 6 months to plan your wedding, DO NOT MAKE ANY COMMITMENTS FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS. You just agreed to make an awfully big one, leave it at that for a few days, then you can go as nuts as you like!