DIY Intervention

Step away from the hot glue gun, floral tape, fondant from the craft store... whatever your genius project for the day is! Just for a minute, I promise. 

This is an intervention.

You are about to have 50-300 people coming to your wedding: family from out of town, people you have never met who you will be expected to sit and chat with at some pre-wedding function, people who others can't be near without starting the Hatfields vs McCoys 2012, and a million other stresses I'm not going to name, you don't need anymore stress piled on you at the moment. 

That's why I'm here. Help me help you.

Do It Yourself (DIY) is a great idea for many couples-- IN MODERATION! Some of the best weddings I've been to have been major DIY affairs, they were fun and warm and happy events that left imprints in my mind. And then there have been some where the bride and her girls were up until 2 am the night before the wedding putting the finishing touches on various projects, because the flowers show up to be made into bouquets and they're wilted, or the cake didn't bake correctly and now it's a lopsided mess. By the time the bride gets down the aisle she's so exhausted she can barely stay awake through the ceremony and toasts, much less get down on the dance floor.

My point is, don't get so caught up in the DIY stuff that you find you can't actually enjoy the wedding. And by the way, same goes for friends and family who offer to help. I know it sounds perfect that your Maid of Honor has offered to do the centerpieces for all 20 of your tables; she has a great eye, runs a gallery! Trust me, you are going to want her bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the big day to help you get ready, keep your champagne glass full, settle fights between your mom and dad who are now exes, etc. You aren't going to want her creating 20 centerpieces, along with the cake table, buffet table, etc.

So let's break this down, what can be DIY without leading to a breakdown the day of the wedding? Here are my tips for how to keep it in check and stay calm.

1) Anything that will require more than one hour of attention on the day of the wedding by you, any member of your bridal party, the groom or parents-- DON'T DIY! You are all going to have plenty to do, you need sleep the night before, you need relaxation that day while getting your hair/ make up done, etc. This day is not about logistics for you, that's what you've been dealing with since the day he put a ring on your finger. This is the day for you to sit back and see all your previous hard work come to fruition.

2) Before you decide to DIY, ask yourself why you're choosing to do it. The most common reasons I hear are:

     "I'm so particular about this I'll only end up being dissatisfied and/or drive the vendor insane   with my micromanagement".

First, meet some vendors. Speak with as many as you can, explain your thoughts and your fears and see if you can't find someone who you do trust... after all, there is a reason why they do this for a living and may have insights you didn't think about, an improvement on your idea, and of course, they usually they have connections you don't. You still might need to do it yourself, but find out if that's true. 

If you still decide to DIY, go for it, but soon. No matter how small the task may be, make sure you start planning it a few months out from the wedding. If you want to do your own bouquets, that's great! Look around and figure out where to get the flowers from, search online for reviews for this place. Buy some early and try out your technique and your look to make sure you can do what you want the night before (you really can't do a bouquet any earlier than that or it will start to die by the end of the afternoon). Read up on tips and tricks or even ask a florist for a few pointers. And, make sure that you understand that it may not turn out exactly as you wanted, it may turn out that the reason your florist said they COULDN'T do what you want is because it just doesn't work. Be flexible and roll with it, it's all going to work out.

    "I really need to cut costs so I'm going to go ahead and make 200 cupcakes myself, the baker will just do one tier for way less".

I love how people always think that DIY is less money. Sometimes it is. If you want bouquets made of baby's breath for all your bridesmaids, why bother paying a florist $40/ each,  you can make them for probably $5. But bigger ticket items are rarely less as DIY. There is a reason why we have the adage, "you get what you pay for". I worked on a wedding where the bride just didn't believe her food should cost so much, the caterers were all robbers, she would round up friends the day before the wedding and using her church's kitchen would make the food. First of all, imagine how excited all her bridesmaids were to spend a summer day in a hot kitchen, cooking for 180 people. Sure, "happy to help" is the motto, but they were hoping for a day of pedicures and tanning by a pool. The caterer would have cost $6300, including setting up, putting out centerpieces and serving/ bussing/ bartending. She ended up paying $4300 for food, $400 in plastic dishes ,cups, utensils, $200 in serving dishes, $100 for trash removal from the venue, and had to press her entire bridal party and family into service for a solid 48 hours to get that stuff done. Sure, she saved $1700 bucks, but was it worth it? 

Make sure you really look at the costs. Any vendor worth their salt should give you an itemized estimate-- when they do, check every line item and the cost for it, then determine if you can do it cheaply enough to make it worth the DIY effort. And if you still decide to go DIY, make sure you don't volunteer anyone for anything. Yes they're your family and friends, and you're sure they won't mind, ask anyways; they've already done a lot for you for this wedding and they usually have things going on their lives that has nothing to do with your wedding... so always always check first.

   "I want to personalize this wedding, so I'm going to make my own decorations and favors and wedding dress".

 I love it when the bride and groom add special touches to their day to make it truly them, who wants a cookie cutter wedding? All I ask is that you keep it in check. Centerpieces with pictures of the couple are great, incorporating a wine theme into the wedding because he proposed at a vineyard is lovely, writing a personalized note on the back of each person's menu card at their place setting is, while lovely, insane (unless you have a guest list of 20 people). Pick your battles!

There are ways to cut costs and get personal attention that don't include DIY, remember when you were in college and you were totally broke but really great at photography (insert calligraphy, cooking, bartending, whatever)? Look around at the local schools for talent you can pull in for a fraction of the cost. You may lose a little in final product, remember, they're still learning, but you are likely to get some phenomenal work for so much less. Check out the local art schools for someone to design your invitations or take pictures (definitely require you see a robust portfolio and do your engagement shots before as a trial), video record the wedding... you could even check with the local culinary schools if you have one nearby to see if they have students interested in catering the rehearsal or a making the cake? These students are amazing at what they do, and are probably so grateful for the work your cost is going to be a tiny fraction of what an established pro would cost.

I don't mean to come off as harsh and anti-DIY, I love DIY elements. Just make sure you take a good look at each project you're planning, your schedule, your experience. If you're a graphic designer, why not design your invitations? However, if you usually order takeout for dinner and have pots and pans stored in your oven, now is not the time to try and find your internal pastry chef and make a three tier cake, having once tried this, DON'T, nothing sucks more than trying to rebuild a cake after it's been dropped on the floor.

 

A Little Night Music, Please...

I'm a sucker for the classics, I mean they're classics for a reason, right? Has there ever been a time where you have ever been to a wedding and the Bride's dramatic entrance to the Bridal March by Mendelssohn and thought "ugh, something new please!"? Or that you rolled your eyes while Bride and Groom danced to "The Way You Look Tonight" or "I Will Always Love You"?  Even my most jaded days I can't help but feel a few tears come to my eyes over these songs' opening notes, they're timeless!

However, it's one of the biggest things couples struggle with in the wedding process... how to mix not only their families, but their musical tastes. Sometimes going a little different on your music choices is what makes the difference of it feeling like a bride and a groom, but a family unit. I spent some time trolling websites to make sure I didn't hit any of the really common ones you'll see anywhere on TheKnot or Brides.com, each of these should in some way sound a little different to you and make you a one-of-a-kind bride. 

Am I missing any forgotten gems?

Procession:

Classic with a twist? Even for the non-U2 fans out there (like me), try some Jon Schmidt Pachelbel Meets U2... can you picture the Bride's entrance right around the 3:30 mark? Especially good for a big bridal party, but you can always cut it down a bit, or just let everyone enjoy the intricacies of the piece for a minute.

Don't Think About the Lyrics. If you don't really care what the lyrics are actually about, check out one more from The Piano Guys, a classic Adele hit, Rolling in the Deep may seem a strange choice for your wedding march, but it's hard to deny its anthemic qualities and the cello certainly adds something to the piece for a walk down the aisle!

Classical Rock. No, not classic rock. Well, actually, yeah-- it is. Love something a bit harder, never really got into the music masters of the 17th and 18th centuries?  Try taking a favorite piece, such as Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, or Somebody to Love by Queen (try it with or without the vocals) and putting it to a symphony. Great Aunt Greta will never even know it wasn't originally a piece by one of the Masters.

Ceremony Music:

Now this is a post I would like to hear more about, what are some good songs for family or friends to perform during the wedding? It does depend on your venue, a lot of churches/ places of worship have restrictions on the type of music that can be sung in the sanctuary, so always check first!  I was at a great wedding where the bride and groom chose "Silly Love Songs" because it was playing in the delivery room when their son was born. I've also been in the wedding of a Broadway Baby and she made sure her ceremony was chock-full of classic showtunes about love. 

Some of my favorite ceremony performance choices?

Show Tunes:

You Are My Home from The Scarlet Pimpernel (don't worry about the brother/ sister part, it's still beautiful and makes for a great duet OR solo) If I Loved You from Carousel; All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera (Although I do admit that the names being in the song present a re-write challenge... but if you're friends are actually named Raoul or Christine, you're GOLDEN!) and a new choice I've fallen in love with, from Memphis: Love Will Stand When All Else Falls, especially if you can wrangle a few members of a gospel choir for back up.

Radio Hits:

I Just Can't Stop Loving You (Check out the Glee version for a good arrangement); Norah Jones Be Here to Love Me; Faith Hill and Tim McGraw's It's Your Love; or pretty much ANY standard a la Sinatra/ Buble-- Witchcraft, Try Some Tenderness; The Best is Yet to Come.

Recessional:

Not that I don't laugh when immediately following the Bride and Groom's first kiss, on comes the Hallelujah chorus or strains of Etta James singing, "At Last". But this is such a missed opportunity for so many couples to signal the end of the serious stuff and get to a PARTY! Some options I'd love to hear during the triumphal saunter back up the aisle? Maybe a little Michael Jackson in The Way You Make Me Feel or a different 80's hit-- What a Feeling from Flashdance? Feel like strutting? Michael Buble's Feeling Good is perfect for a little bit of a swagger, or maybe try the chorus of So Happy Together by the Turtles, a classic!

So, I'll continue in another post the fun ones for a reception in a follow-up post, but to recap:

• Remember to check with the officiant about any rules the church may have re: music
• Don't be afraid to use an instrumental you love of a song that you particularly love (was part of a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle to a marching band version of "In My Life", a nod to the bride and groom meeting through their college marching band)
• If you are having trouble choosing a song for a first dance, think about whether it would work for a part of the ceremony-- you don't have to pick just one song that describes your relationship!

Getting Started

Getting Started

"You got engaged! Congratulations, now tell me absolutely everything about your wedding plans this second or I will bug you until you do."  I have to admit that I get as caught up as anyone else when people get engaged and I want to hear all about their plans. As a newly engaged couple, learn to exercise your right to not say anything in this early stage. You have no idea what will happen between now and then, what kind of wedding you will have, what your budget is-- so just be vague! Thank them for their interest and try to distract them with your shiny new bling!

I once worked with a bride who's fiance had planned a surprise engagement party for the night he proposed. The bride, high on emotions and four glasses of champagne, asked all her girlfriends who were there to be in her bridal party.  Two weeks later, in the harsh light of wedding spreadsheets and budgets, she realized to keep that promise and still include two friends who had not been there that night, she would have 11 bridesmaids-- she had wanted 3 for what she was hoping would be a very small wedding.  Oops.

Another bride said that everything for her wedding would be purple; a nice lavender and silver combo. Her future mother-in-law set to work collecting all things purple, including a dress. Two months later (the engagement was only about 6 months long), the groom mentioned to his mom that he was so glad he had talked the bride out of purple and into bright yellows and pinks.

How to handle managing your schedule during this period? My advice:

Try not to spend more than five hours a week over the first few weeks doing actual "planning."  Have dinner with your parents, meet his parents (if you haven't), show off the ring, have a conversation about budget and who will pay for what, find out about important dates you need to worry about (e.g., your sister will be giving birth in June, but you want her to be your bridesmaid, so maybe try to do it before May or a few months AFTER she has the baby). Kick around ideas about traditions that you want to continue or start, about bridal party members, but do not commit to anything.

How many times do we hear friends say, "oh, we're going to have a small, intimate wedding" that soon becomes black tie, seated dinner for 200+ people? Or, the opposite, "I want to get married at the Walters Art Gallery", and then they learn it is (and this is true) $10,000 to rent for the wedding, plus their caterer starts at $80/pp... hmm, suddenly the backyard of your future in-laws starts to have its appeal, huh? 

And then there is the bridal party. I think most people, even guys, have a running list that they constantly tweak throughout their lives, keeping track of who would stand up with them someday.  The problem is, that list is fluid. Also, you haven't checked in with your fiance about his yet-- perhaps he wants 9 men and you were hoping for your two sisters to be MOHs and no bridesmaids.  Or, he wants to ask 9 men, but doesn't understand that it means they have to fork over some cash for things like a tux and a bachelor party... You guys are about to get married, you need to talk this stuff out-- get on the same page.

So that's it.  If you have more than 6 months to plan your wedding, DO NOT MAKE ANY COMMITMENTS FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS. You just agreed to make an awfully big one, leave it at that for a few days, then you can go as nuts as you like!

As I begin to wind down Grad School and become more settled in Frederick and with the new (day) job, I thought it would be a good time to pick back up on my blog covering event planning, weddings, catering, food and random thoughts. Wedding season is definitely upon us, I'm currently working with 3 brides, and have invitations for a few more weddings in 2012-- and it's only MAY! 

Now, I haven't been actively working on weddings in the last two years while I've been working on my Masters, but I tried to stay on the peripheral so as to not lose touch. Two weeks ago, I spoke to a bride and agreed to help with her wedding. After that meeting I did the natural thing: I went to TheKnot.com, brides.com and a few other sites to check in on trends, tips, articles and then bought a few magazines at the checkout stand at Giant (p.s., fun way to freak out your boyfriend, don't mention you have a new client and start unabashedly admiring dresses and cakes). 

After a weekend of research, I came to the following conclusions: 

1) I will never understand what some people choose to spend their money on. I'm not talking about a couture gown or a seated dinner for 400, I understand wanting certain niceties and if you can afford it, why not? No way would I begrudge Chelsea Clinton a $20,000 Vera Wang gown or Kim Kardashian's mom getting a $50,000 face lift for the big day- their bank accounts will never know the difference. No, I'm speaking about things that are so over the top, even I wince at the price tag. Things like the invitation that is a 14 page book (yes, bound with a leather cover), with photos of the bride and groom, details about their lives, love poems, etc. Cost of this invite? $15 each. And the catch? $4.00 to SHIP these to the 150 guests. For all you playing the home game, that's $2,850. For invitations. I love it when people personalize the small things, this seems a bit excessive. 

My recessionista suggestion? Go to an online QR code generator (I like qrstuff.net) and allow people to scan your Save the Date or invitation to instantly access your wedding website where they can spend some time perusing through your story, your photos and wish you well on your virtual guest book. Added bonus?  You can direct guests to RSVP online and not have to worry about mail getting lost or being late, then automatically export to a spreadsheet for tracking!

2) All big-name, corporate wedding websites are exactly the same. And you know what else? Their content is about as fresh a university dining hall doughnut. "25 new color combos you won't believe work!" Cut to an article about how it's ok to mix fuschia and tangerine, or have a black and white wedding. I got married nine years ago and I promise you that the SAME article was online then. I realize not THAT many people who were on The Knot nine years ago would be on now (hopefully), but between your wedding, your friends and family's weddings, and watching any show on TLC, it starts to feel like there are NO new ideas; its like Hollywood and plots for Indiana Jones (I know, I need to get over Crystal Skull, I just feel so betrayed.) 

3) Across the board, the most beautiful and memorable weddings are the ones where the couple is happy and in love, the family and friends thrilled to see them so, and the details are reflections of who they are as a couple and as a family. I can't tell you how many weddings I've been to that were lovely, expensive, cookie cutter versions of the one in Father of the Bride or Charlotte's in Sex and the City (either one). Yes, the bride and groom were thrilled with their fete, but I'll tell you what, I can't remember anything about them. And guess what? That's fine, it was the wedding of their dreams! But for those Brides who want to make a splash on their big day? Make it yours. Remember, the people coming are the ones that are the most important in your lives, and they love you for what makes you you, so put as much of that into the day as possible, and whether it's a backyard barbecue or a ballroom at the Ritz, it will be perfect.