How to Have Your Cake... and Not Eat It Too! (Recessionista Post)

People spend a lot of money on a wedding. According to Reuters, the average cost of a wedding in the US is currently at $27,021, and if you live in the DC region like me, it's about $10,000 more than that. I always find myself so surprised by these numbers because I so rarely come across a couple who can afford that, or who simply won't pay that. I mean, I could have paid for Graduate school at Hopkins with that money and leave with no debt. 

But let me be clear. I think you should have the kind of wedding you want, as long as you can afford it. I would never suggest to a bride to take out a loan on her home or cash in retirement savings to pay for her wedding, come on, that's just silly. However, if you feel like tapping into your savings account just a little, or picking up some OT at work to afford that Priscilla of Boston gown, go for it. But there are plenty of ways to save money in one place in order to have more in another. Today, our entry is a piece of cake, literally! Well, I guess not literally, but there are some good recessionista tips below!

Why a wedding cake? 

If I had known when I got married the first time what a wedding cake symbolized, I may have simply skipped it. Ancient Romans and the Celts are known to have broken a "cake" made of barley or oats over the bride's head as a symbol of the breaking of her virginity and acknowledgement that she was now to be subservient to her husband. In some cultures it was done to bless the couple with great fertility. In England and France they often baked charms into the cake that would be found by random guests and indicated things like who would be married next and who was going to have the next child. And, of course, there is the messy tradition of unmarried girls taking home pieces of the wedding cake and sleeping with them under their pillows to induce dreams of the man they would someday marry.

That being said, times  have changed. We no longer bake the cake out of barley or oats, we don't break them over anyone's head, and cakes are now gorgeous confectionery structures, they can be quite the artistic achievement and serve as a gorgeous decoration to your wedding look. Cakes usually run between $3.50/slice up to 7.00/ slice. For a 150 person wedding, you could spend between $500-1000 on your cake! This is a GREAT way to save some cash in a few different places.

• First of all, if you know you want cake, tell your caterer to cut any dessert options they have listed in the proposal. Why get your guests hopped up on miniature pastries when they're going to get cake in 1/2 hour? One of the desserts (the caterer's or the cake) will end up pretty much going to waste.
• You don't need to buy a piece of cake for every single guest. With people leaving early, issues with diabetes and gluten allergies and people on diets, I find between 1/4 and 1/3 of a cake go completely uneaten (I'm not talking about the top tier, if you were hoping to save that for your anniversary). I would give a guest count of about 25% than the guests expected, it's not a TON of money, but it's probably a Bridesmaid's bouquet amount.
• If the caterer charges a cake cutting fee, and you have a choice, drop the caterer-- that's ridiculous, petty and all other kinds of stupid. They'll tell you it takes special experience to cut a wedding cake. Due to the tiered structure, that's partially true. Have someone you find to be fairly precise and steady handed and ask them to do this, if they don't know how (I'm surprised how many people of my parents age actually DO know this), have them watch this video for a quick how-to.
• Fake cake. In a nod to the elaborate cakes being shown on tv and in movies, businesses are starting to pop up which allow for you to rent or purchase the gorgeous, intricate and large cake that you always dreamed of, with some fancy touches you could never use for an edible confection, such as glue to mount flowers, jewels glitter – whatever you want (and remember how gross fondant is, but beautiful looking? No worries here!) And the best part is it's CHEAP. Most 2-4 tier fake cakes are going to cost you between $100 and $250, depending on customizations you want and shipping. Some are rentals, they will send you instructions to return ship (if you can't find a local supplier), some you can purchase and simply toss at the end of the night, or re-sell. A few points:
• Some stores will make you an edible top tier, or you can coordinate with a baker to match a top layer to the design of the rest of the cake. Another option is to ask for the fake cake company to create a slit you can put your knife in to get the picture of cutting your cake. Just stash a small slice of cake out of the picture range and use that when you're ready to feed each other.
• This allows you to serve your guests a much less expensive, but still delicious sheet cake, cupcakes, cake pops... or even skip the cake serving entirely, because let's face it-- how many wedding cakes have you tasted that were all that delicious? Great way to have the traditional cake photos and serve that Chocolate Mousse your caterer is known for!
• If you go this route, make sure you have designated someone to be in charge of the cake. They will need to set it up (you may need to rent/ buy/ purchase a cake stand) as well as take it at the end of the night to either toss, return (make sure you give them all the shipping info, ready to go) or give back to you. You also need to make sure, if you're serving sheet cake or any other kind of baked good, you have someone to cut/ serve (don't ASSUME your caterer will do this for free, see point 3 above). 
• Want to have something kind of fun and different, and SMALL to serve your guests after a huge meal? Or maybe your trying to only do finger foods but find the cupcake fad to be wearing thin (I'm so with you!), try cake pops!  They can even serve as a centerpiece, or serve each guest 2 or 3 varieties as a tasting!

A Little Night Music, Please...

I'm a sucker for the classics, I mean they're classics for a reason, right? Has there ever been a time where you have ever been to a wedding and the Bride's dramatic entrance to the Bridal March by Mendelssohn and thought "ugh, something new please!"? Or that you rolled your eyes while Bride and Groom danced to "The Way You Look Tonight" or "I Will Always Love You"?  Even my most jaded days I can't help but feel a few tears come to my eyes over these songs' opening notes, they're timeless!

However, it's one of the biggest things couples struggle with in the wedding process... how to mix not only their families, but their musical tastes. Sometimes going a little different on your music choices is what makes the difference of it feeling like a bride and a groom, but a family unit. I spent some time trolling websites to make sure I didn't hit any of the really common ones you'll see anywhere on TheKnot or Brides.com, each of these should in some way sound a little different to you and make you a one-of-a-kind bride. 

Am I missing any forgotten gems?

Procession:

Classic with a twist? Even for the non-U2 fans out there (like me), try some Jon Schmidt Pachelbel Meets U2... can you picture the Bride's entrance right around the 3:30 mark? Especially good for a big bridal party, but you can always cut it down a bit, or just let everyone enjoy the intricacies of the piece for a minute.

Don't Think About the Lyrics. If you don't really care what the lyrics are actually about, check out one more from The Piano Guys, a classic Adele hit, Rolling in the Deep may seem a strange choice for your wedding march, but it's hard to deny its anthemic qualities and the cello certainly adds something to the piece for a walk down the aisle!

Classical Rock. No, not classic rock. Well, actually, yeah-- it is. Love something a bit harder, never really got into the music masters of the 17th and 18th centuries?  Try taking a favorite piece, such as Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, or Somebody to Love by Queen (try it with or without the vocals) and putting it to a symphony. Great Aunt Greta will never even know it wasn't originally a piece by one of the Masters.

Ceremony Music:

Now this is a post I would like to hear more about, what are some good songs for family or friends to perform during the wedding? It does depend on your venue, a lot of churches/ places of worship have restrictions on the type of music that can be sung in the sanctuary, so always check first!  I was at a great wedding where the bride and groom chose "Silly Love Songs" because it was playing in the delivery room when their son was born. I've also been in the wedding of a Broadway Baby and she made sure her ceremony was chock-full of classic showtunes about love. 

Some of my favorite ceremony performance choices?

Show Tunes:

You Are My Home from The Scarlet Pimpernel (don't worry about the brother/ sister part, it's still beautiful and makes for a great duet OR solo) If I Loved You from Carousel; All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera (Although I do admit that the names being in the song present a re-write challenge... but if you're friends are actually named Raoul or Christine, you're GOLDEN!) and a new choice I've fallen in love with, from Memphis: Love Will Stand When All Else Falls, especially if you can wrangle a few members of a gospel choir for back up.

Radio Hits:

I Just Can't Stop Loving You (Check out the Glee version for a good arrangement); Norah Jones Be Here to Love Me; Faith Hill and Tim McGraw's It's Your Love; or pretty much ANY standard a la Sinatra/ Buble-- Witchcraft, Try Some Tenderness; The Best is Yet to Come.

Recessional:

Not that I don't laugh when immediately following the Bride and Groom's first kiss, on comes the Hallelujah chorus or strains of Etta James singing, "At Last". But this is such a missed opportunity for so many couples to signal the end of the serious stuff and get to a PARTY! Some options I'd love to hear during the triumphal saunter back up the aisle? Maybe a little Michael Jackson in The Way You Make Me Feel or a different 80's hit-- What a Feeling from Flashdance? Feel like strutting? Michael Buble's Feeling Good is perfect for a little bit of a swagger, or maybe try the chorus of So Happy Together by the Turtles, a classic!

So, I'll continue in another post the fun ones for a reception in a follow-up post, but to recap:

• Remember to check with the officiant about any rules the church may have re: music
• Don't be afraid to use an instrumental you love of a song that you particularly love (was part of a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle to a marching band version of "In My Life", a nod to the bride and groom meeting through their college marching band)
• If you are having trouble choosing a song for a first dance, think about whether it would work for a part of the ceremony-- you don't have to pick just one song that describes your relationship!

Getting Started

Getting Started

"You got engaged! Congratulations, now tell me absolutely everything about your wedding plans this second or I will bug you until you do."  I have to admit that I get as caught up as anyone else when people get engaged and I want to hear all about their plans. As a newly engaged couple, learn to exercise your right to not say anything in this early stage. You have no idea what will happen between now and then, what kind of wedding you will have, what your budget is-- so just be vague! Thank them for their interest and try to distract them with your shiny new bling!

I once worked with a bride who's fiance had planned a surprise engagement party for the night he proposed. The bride, high on emotions and four glasses of champagne, asked all her girlfriends who were there to be in her bridal party.  Two weeks later, in the harsh light of wedding spreadsheets and budgets, she realized to keep that promise and still include two friends who had not been there that night, she would have 11 bridesmaids-- she had wanted 3 for what she was hoping would be a very small wedding.  Oops.

Another bride said that everything for her wedding would be purple; a nice lavender and silver combo. Her future mother-in-law set to work collecting all things purple, including a dress. Two months later (the engagement was only about 6 months long), the groom mentioned to his mom that he was so glad he had talked the bride out of purple and into bright yellows and pinks.

How to handle managing your schedule during this period? My advice:

Try not to spend more than five hours a week over the first few weeks doing actual "planning."  Have dinner with your parents, meet his parents (if you haven't), show off the ring, have a conversation about budget and who will pay for what, find out about important dates you need to worry about (e.g., your sister will be giving birth in June, but you want her to be your bridesmaid, so maybe try to do it before May or a few months AFTER she has the baby). Kick around ideas about traditions that you want to continue or start, about bridal party members, but do not commit to anything.

How many times do we hear friends say, "oh, we're going to have a small, intimate wedding" that soon becomes black tie, seated dinner for 200+ people? Or, the opposite, "I want to get married at the Walters Art Gallery", and then they learn it is (and this is true) $10,000 to rent for the wedding, plus their caterer starts at $80/pp... hmm, suddenly the backyard of your future in-laws starts to have its appeal, huh? 

And then there is the bridal party. I think most people, even guys, have a running list that they constantly tweak throughout their lives, keeping track of who would stand up with them someday.  The problem is, that list is fluid. Also, you haven't checked in with your fiance about his yet-- perhaps he wants 9 men and you were hoping for your two sisters to be MOHs and no bridesmaids.  Or, he wants to ask 9 men, but doesn't understand that it means they have to fork over some cash for things like a tux and a bachelor party... You guys are about to get married, you need to talk this stuff out-- get on the same page.

So that's it.  If you have more than 6 months to plan your wedding, DO NOT MAKE ANY COMMITMENTS FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS. You just agreed to make an awfully big one, leave it at that for a few days, then you can go as nuts as you like!

As I begin to wind down Grad School and become more settled in Frederick and with the new (day) job, I thought it would be a good time to pick back up on my blog covering event planning, weddings, catering, food and random thoughts. Wedding season is definitely upon us, I'm currently working with 3 brides, and have invitations for a few more weddings in 2012-- and it's only MAY! 

Now, I haven't been actively working on weddings in the last two years while I've been working on my Masters, but I tried to stay on the peripheral so as to not lose touch. Two weeks ago, I spoke to a bride and agreed to help with her wedding. After that meeting I did the natural thing: I went to TheKnot.com, brides.com and a few other sites to check in on trends, tips, articles and then bought a few magazines at the checkout stand at Giant (p.s., fun way to freak out your boyfriend, don't mention you have a new client and start unabashedly admiring dresses and cakes). 

After a weekend of research, I came to the following conclusions: 

1) I will never understand what some people choose to spend their money on. I'm not talking about a couture gown or a seated dinner for 400, I understand wanting certain niceties and if you can afford it, why not? No way would I begrudge Chelsea Clinton a $20,000 Vera Wang gown or Kim Kardashian's mom getting a $50,000 face lift for the big day- their bank accounts will never know the difference. No, I'm speaking about things that are so over the top, even I wince at the price tag. Things like the invitation that is a 14 page book (yes, bound with a leather cover), with photos of the bride and groom, details about their lives, love poems, etc. Cost of this invite? $15 each. And the catch? $4.00 to SHIP these to the 150 guests. For all you playing the home game, that's $2,850. For invitations. I love it when people personalize the small things, this seems a bit excessive. 

My recessionista suggestion? Go to an online QR code generator (I like qrstuff.net) and allow people to scan your Save the Date or invitation to instantly access your wedding website where they can spend some time perusing through your story, your photos and wish you well on your virtual guest book. Added bonus?  You can direct guests to RSVP online and not have to worry about mail getting lost or being late, then automatically export to a spreadsheet for tracking!

2) All big-name, corporate wedding websites are exactly the same. And you know what else? Their content is about as fresh a university dining hall doughnut. "25 new color combos you won't believe work!" Cut to an article about how it's ok to mix fuschia and tangerine, or have a black and white wedding. I got married nine years ago and I promise you that the SAME article was online then. I realize not THAT many people who were on The Knot nine years ago would be on now (hopefully), but between your wedding, your friends and family's weddings, and watching any show on TLC, it starts to feel like there are NO new ideas; its like Hollywood and plots for Indiana Jones (I know, I need to get over Crystal Skull, I just feel so betrayed.) 

3) Across the board, the most beautiful and memorable weddings are the ones where the couple is happy and in love, the family and friends thrilled to see them so, and the details are reflections of who they are as a couple and as a family. I can't tell you how many weddings I've been to that were lovely, expensive, cookie cutter versions of the one in Father of the Bride or Charlotte's in Sex and the City (either one). Yes, the bride and groom were thrilled with their fete, but I'll tell you what, I can't remember anything about them. And guess what? That's fine, it was the wedding of their dreams! But for those Brides who want to make a splash on their big day? Make it yours. Remember, the people coming are the ones that are the most important in your lives, and they love you for what makes you you, so put as much of that into the day as possible, and whether it's a backyard barbecue or a ballroom at the Ritz, it will be perfect.